Facing the downfalls

Ok, I was on this amazing journey of feeling good, being proactive, and making changes. Reading the books, running, listening to the podcasts, literally all the feel good things. Feeling so good that I wanted to share all my secrets, my changes, my advice on how-to with all of y’all! (The very few that read this)

The problem is, life is inevitable, falls are inevitable and it’s how you recover from them that is the MOST important. How you deal and face them, not push them to the side, not hide from the world for weeks after, not how you hide it from your closest loved ones either. Not even your kids.

As I was saying, I had all the feel good surrounding me. Husband home from offshore, both training for a half marathon and working as a team, taking turns watching the girls for a run whether it was in the morning or evening, visiting friends during the week because whether those friends have kids or not I personally feel so fulfilled after, it’s something that’s always fueled my soul. I surround myself with women that share the same morals, values, passion for just wanting to be good Godly women. My spouse and I even staying on a routine despite some teeth coming in and running on a very unpredictable amount of hours of sleep. Another thing I’ve gained to stay on this feel good is to ask for help, this was the hardest because even when I had Just Mary I would not ask for help. And if help was offered, if it wasn’t the type of help I wanted I’d say no. Control issues at its best.

Then I hear my husband say he has to go offshore again, let me tell you this is not brand new news, it happens. It’s not the end of the world. But it’s not predictable on the amount of days he goes away and that plays with my emotions. Despite it all I was on such a high I told him, I’ll be ok. I also told him I’d do my best to keep the routine and keep the overall morale up. Let me add one more little thing, I’m thinking of doing some part time work soon. Not so bad to the outside world bc people do it all the time. To me, it weighed heavily on my mental status.

If you are any human you know how chaotic and exhausting nights and days can get when you don’t prepare for the solo days with kids. And while some is preventable, a lot is not. Between sitters there were days alone with the girls, while that isn’t necessarily so bad, it seemed so since I had expectations to do all the things with Jesse gone. Not only that, I noticed EVERY SINGLE THING wrong and dirty in my home. So I would leave to avoid it. Even though I had to come back home to it. All the while I have this voice constantly barking at me “imagine if you were working right now” “how the heck do working moms do it” “how the hell am I going to have enough energy to do all of this AND work”

Looking back this was my first mistake, not reaching out as soon as I started having these anxiety ridden feelings is a big mistake. When you really have to start convincing yourself that you got this and you don’t need any help…..ask for help! This mistake led me to the biggest anxiety, turned anger, turned guilt shamed emotional breakdown I’ve had. I spent the last year of my life working on not getting to this place again. Working on preventatives and recognizing feelings and clues, but it wasn’t clues for what I was feeling last week. This was a new anxiety I’ve never felt before. It was not depression, it wasn’t a slump. Nope that came after my anxiety turned anger outburst that not only scared myself but my three year old daughter. If there’s one thing that can make you feel like a failure it’s losing your shit in front of your kids.

Maybe that’s not it for you, maybe it’s losing your cool in front of colleagues, parents, spouse. Either way, it’s not fun. The wave of guilt I had sent me into an uncontrollable sob that consumed my whole body. This is familiar to me. This is the place I tried so hard not to come back to. A year ago, pregnant, I hit the same wall. I sat on my living room floor staring at my phone, knowing I need to call someone, but how was I supposed to explain myself? Where do I even start? Second mistake. Just call. Which I did, one of the closest family members nearby who I knew would be there in a heartbeat to help if I ever needed anything. She called, I cried, and it was automatic. It was instinctual. Before I knew it she was there and the girls were distracted so that I could gather myself.

If that whole first part was too long I apologize, here’s the part I want everyone to read. The mind is a POWERFUL thing. I was fully exhausted the next day. I still felt shame, I still doubted myself as a mom and human being. I still wondered if I just could not be the person and mom I want to be. Here’s what I did, I talked to my closest people. I shared how I felt, without judgement they all listened, my whole tribe listened and guess what. THEY RELATED! There is something to be said about not feeling like you are alone, I mean hello, look at social media. We all look at the bloggers post, the YouTube sensations, the podcast of the week. But when you develop your own reachable, touchable, face to face tribe and are able to talk and cry and relate. That is special. That is recovery.

The next hardest part of my recovery is talking to my husband. A lot may ask why? That’s your best friend? Your partner, he should be your ultimate go to, and we are. But I’m a protector, my husband works hard to provide for us, to be a good father and I feel a burden when I need him to be there for me emotionally as well. But don’t underestimate your partner and their willingness to help. Voice your wants and needs, and guess what, voice them MULTIPLE times. We had an exhausting, not necessarily bonding weekend. Because sometimes neither can truly understand in that moment what you are going through. However each day is worth the work, happiness is not only being content with your surroundings but working for what you want. We work everyday. Together and apart and we bond over that.

Here is my closing, don’t go longer than a week in your downfall, do the work to come out of it, do the soul searching, fight the mental fight and reach out! Because while the downfall is inevitable, it is possible to come back quickly and fully. I know too many that wallow in the downfall for months that quickly turn into years. I know too many that also act like nothing happened and put on a face. Please recognize it, please reach out, and please recover properly. It’s not easy but damnit it’s worth it.

Love and Abundance!

Michelle

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2 thoughts on “Facing the downfalls

  1. Late to the party, as usual. I wish I lived closer. I wish I could wrap you in my love, dry your tears, temper your fears and assure you… you are not alone. You are treading water like the rest of us, making decisions on the fly, adjusting or adapting or simply living through change as it hits you. No matter what book you read or what blog or vlog or YT vid you read or watch… your life is simply different from all others. You can’t compare your life to even one that mirrors the number of children you have and the type of work your husband does.. that doesn’t factor in your personality, your children’s needs or personality and a million other variances. You are loved and you give love. You are bright and you are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. Your children are clothed, fed, loved and safe. You are a good mom a good friend a good daughter a good wife and a good soul. This will pass and you will all come through. Drop the idea that you are failing at anything. The laundry will ALWAYS be there, the dishes will stack up, the bills will stack up and the couch will hold crumbs for decades. Breathe. Do your best. Rest, recover and refuel for another day. Call. Text. There is nothing perfect about parenthood. We just all hope that at the end of the day we raise children who will become parents and have the same need/want/desire as we did to see our kids grow up to be amazing individuals as you have. I love you. It’s not easy, it’s not perfect.. it just is. You are doing great. Chin up, these days/moments speed by in relative to what is ahead. I’m always here. Xoxo

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