It’s been awhile since my last post. Too long, I still have reservations on a blog post. Like who is actually reading it, am I just ranting, are my thoughts internet worthy? But you know what? Who cares. Ha!
Any who, one thing that has not changed is the fact that my thoughts run wild while my girl is napping (in my Lap) or asleep for the night. My latest worries/woes are my roles. Mainly because I feel like my mom role has completely changed “rules” I set up all before I decided to have Mary. Hell even now that she is almost two I think of what new roles I need to endeavor upon. But who instilled these “rules”? How did I become a woman seeking certain roles and rules I thought I had to follow to become successful in my life or for myself. Mary is for the most part self sufficient in certain areas, she has many loving family members she goes freely too with no separation anxiety, and even though that makes me feel at ease for certain errands ran, or tasks accomplished I can’t help but feel that I need to take on another role. This complexes me because when did being a full time mom/wife, become not enough? I seriously, and I mean seriously envy the women that are able to be wife, mom, work, workout, read, write, who knows what else!! Like how?! And as far as that goes, does it make me less of a woman certainly knowing that if I tried to take on more roles that my current roles would suffer. I feel good at my current “job” I enjoy watching Mary grow and learn, I enjoy the fact that my husband gets to come home to a meal, has clothes washed for the next day and a house (somewhat) clean. I also enjoy knowing I am doing for my family everyday, it is a job that has difficulties, ups and downs, rewards and so much love.
This “self” is so different than who I strove to be or ever thought I would be years before. Before kids I feel like we as women juggle all the roles proving to ourselves the many tasks we can do. Well I bowed down the moment I held my girl. She is a handful, she is a blessing, she as well as my husband are my reason for being, my motivation to be strong mentally, and spiritually.
I don’t write this to judge any other women, my main focus is just realizing that god has fulfilled me with so many roles that anytime I think of bringing on more, my heart feels a hesitation and I try to listen to it. In my heart, my family needs me at home right now, I also know one day they won’t. That’s heavier on my heart. Until then! SAHM status.